(Posted: Feb. 22nd, 2024)
██████████ College to replace all chairs on campus with nothing in order to prevent students from sitting.
I was enjoying my morning coffee while gazing out upon the █████ bowling green one Wednesday morning at around 7:30 AM (7:39 AM) when I did caught'd wind about this new ambitious project being spearheaded by the █████████ Anti-Chair Initiative (ACI).
The news that this rather niche student political body had already influenced the decision-making process to the head of the college’s body politic in a matter of, what felt like, mere minutes from their conception really resonated with me as an enjoyer of all kinds and sorts of silly and goofy antics.
However, there was a burning question on my mind as I continued to stir my black lowery and both nutty and smoky blackened Ecuadorian roast: “What?” Yeah, I was asking myself that question, while, now, pacing; I took a blisteringly cold ice-pack to my head and fell into a spinning daze chiefly fueled by an incessantly buzzing and impending sense of anguish as I tried to grapple with the very reality which was this: encroaching reform of the status- quo: chairs will (are to be) a thing of the past.
“What are people thinking with this? This is a totally and utterly, and flat-out really silly and dumb thing to do, why would anyone do this? I love to inconvenience and make impossible the little joys that people might be able to squeeze out of their pathetic days like droplets of milk out of a rag (the rag in question being the one used to clean up the ‘spilled milk’ that is the sorry excuse for your campus life), but maybe this was taking it a little too far,” or so I thought, giggling. Whilst, now, having lit and been savoring the end of a cigar and now beginning to rip out entire clumps of my beautiful blonde Anglo hairs in pure anguish at the thought of pervasive “seatlessness,” I took the juicy Cuban out of my mouth and cast it to the ground.
I stomped up still-smoldering cinders and soon began to fashion the fine and powdery ashes into a little chair, attempting to now force myself into a state of active rebellion against the new draconian anti-chairness, or whatever. Yeah, none of this happened, I’m just lying, this is a lie article. I love lying, I am a liar.